Alas, Valentine’s Day has made its way upon us. While some of us have obligations to spend their post work hours with a significant other, some of us don’t. If being alone today is causing you to feel distressed and alone, stop it. There are far worse things to be missing out on than bills for expensive candies, flowers and dinners. For example, Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto Online Valentine’s Day Massacre Special.

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You heard me right folks, today Rockstar’s added some free DLC for GTA 5 to cater to you forlorn lovers out there. While some of the schmucks in relationships are out dropping mullah on this fine Hallmark Holiday, you could instead spend your time running and gunning through Los Santos with your friends. If you’re not into the online gameplay, fret not, the new added content has been to both the online game and the single player, solo campaign. Great news for those 360 Players without Gold Accounts, right?

While the current iteration of Los Santos is firmly situated in the present, The Valentine’s Day Massacre update aims to bring back a bit of the classic era of gangsters and organized crime. To facilitate this crack in time, Rockstar has added several new items and activities for your murderous pleasure. Disclaimer: As with all GTA items, the names have been changed to protect from law suits.

1. Gusenberg Sweeper (Gun):

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Nothing screams classic day gangster louder than the Thomson Machine Gun. Well, Joe Pesci comes pretty close, but the 70′s aren’t classic gangster now are they? With the iconic .45 ACP cartridge and finely polished wooden grip, players brandishing the Gusenberg Sweeper are sure to start a stir on the streets and will likely become a deathly presence to those unfortunate enough to be wearing body armor. It can be picked up from any of the Ammu-Nation shops scattered about Los Santos in GTA Online. In Story mode, the Sweeper and two full clips of ammo are automatically added to the inventory of each playable character. Additional ammo can be purchased at Ammu-Nation. Believe me, you’ll want it.

2. Albany Roosevelt (Vehicle):

I honestly don’t’ know what real world limo this was based on, but its features are quite distinct. Likely created to assist those working in teams, the Roosevelt seats enough players to reenact the death of Sonny. Be warned, it doesn’t have the speed or the maneuverability of the modern day cars, but is sturdy enough to take several hits while escaping the fuzz or those other players chasing you down for vengeance.

3. Rat Loader pickup truck (Vehicle):

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You may be aware that the Rat loader was removed from GTA Online and its removal may have offended you. Well, today’s new Valentine’s Day update marks the return of the hot-rod pickup and all its mods to the online streets of Los Santos. Hurry though, the mods are available for free until the next title update, so take yours to the Pay N Spray ASAP.

4. Attire:

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Classic 1920′s suits, flapper dresses, and fedoras that don’t look ridiculous on their wearers. These are just some of the clothing items made available to you today. If you’re going to tote around a Tommy…er… Gusenberg Sweeper, you had better look the part. Of course you could also take the lazy rout and sport the red Tux Tee shirt. Accent it with some pearls and a masquerade mask.

5. Jobs:

To help you pay for some of the more expensive items, Rockstar has also included 10 new Jobs to the city. The jobs are scattered around the map of Los Santos roughly in the shape of a broken heart, pandering to those lonely soles out for a little game of homicide. The jobs vary from Deathmatches, to Races and even include some parachuting fun. While we don’t have the info for all the jobs available, we do have these six below.

6. “Shotgun Wedding” (Team Deathmatch)

Not difficult to guess how this one works. Shoot and kill the opposing team with shotguns while running around the church in Paleto Bay.

7. “Property Values” (Deathmatch)

Nothing soothes a sore heart like a free for all. Located in an overly expensive cul-de-sac, kill everyone you see while avoiding sniper fire from the nearby grassy knoll.

8. “Creek” (Parachuting)

Prove yourself by taking a steep dive from the sky with up to seven others. Try not to hit the cliff walls of Raton Canyon before dropping into Cassidy Creek.

9. “Vinewood Tours” (Race)

Haven’t taken time to see the sights of LS? Jump in a car or on a bike and participate in the Vinewood Tours Race. A chance to show your navigational skills and make money while ya do.

10. “Motorboating” (Sea Race)

Oh how I wish this was what I first imagined. Take a boat trip around buoys and over ramps with your virtual Significant Other.

11. “Heart Breaker” (Bike Race)

Head out the Senora Desert in order to show your love just how much you care by carving a gigantic heart into the sand.

There’s also a few other things of note that came in this update that you should know. While they aren’t new content, they are updates none-the-less.

  • Winning races in the Solo Campaign now earns players GTA$ for GTA Online. Now you can jump back in to the story without fear of not earning.
  • If killed while on passive mode, your killer will be forced to pay your bills. If you kill someone in passive, you pay their bills. Balance!
  • An issue where a player could become stuck when entering a Garage for the first time has been fixed.
  • Fixed the exploit where players could use the Online to Single Player switch menu to become invincible .
  • Fixed an issue where players would randomly lose insurance on their vehicles.
  • Cash that is able to be shared with other players has now been capped.
  • Players can now use bank cash for vending machines.
  • Fixed an issue where players were unable to drop the Pistol .50 despite being able to drop other Special Edition weapons.

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All of this stuff has me absolutely infuriated that I won’t be able to pick up a controller today and try this stuff out. What’s worse is that the added items and vehicles must be obtained before the end of the month or you’ll lose your chance to. Once you get the stuff though, you keep it until Rockstar deletes it in the far future. To diminish the angst rising within me, I’ve opted to watch others play in the meantime. Team RockstarGames is currently streaming their gaming session over at Twitch.tv. If you’re stuck at work too, plug in some headphones, open up another browser window and head on over here to get a peek at the new content.










Jordan Goodson

 
Jordan Goodson, the geek in the darkness, guiding his readers through the vast catacombs of tech and science. He journeys the interwebs searching for any and all relevant data to be absorbed and shared.