Hammacher Schlemmer is, of course, the premier catalog and website for stuff that’s kind of neat but that no person actually needs. Essentially it’s what would happen if you sold Brookstone to Willy Wonka. As a result, its advertising copy tends to be a wee bit… how do we put this… florid. So, for your edification, we’ve taken the liberty of translating their ad copy surrounding this hand-controlled speaker into English.

“Evoking a futuristic vision of technological singularity”

Our marketing department read a Raymond Kurzweil book recently, and now they won’t stop talking like this.

“Implying superintelligent off-world design in the form of a sentient atmospheric lifting body,”

It looks like a spaceship.

“infrared sensors installed on either side of its streamlined, aerodynamic fuselage detect hand movement for increasing or decreasing volume while sensors housed in its port and starboard speakers changes tracks. “

You wave up and down to change the volume, and left and right to skip tracks.

” it delivers robust sound with twin 3 1/2-watt tweeter “jet” speakers and a down-firing 12-watt bass-reflex subwoofer.”

We mentioned the spaceship thing, right?

“The included remote allows fine-tuning of bass and treble settings as well as volume and track control.”

When you can’t figure out how to use it, we’ve got a fallback for you.

Joking aside, it does look like a very nice speaker, and the wattage is quite nice for the size. Then again, it’d better have some killer audio: If you want a little spaceship dock for your iPhone or iPod, it’s going to run you $200.

Or to translate that back into Hammacher Schlemmer, “Future-proofing your domicile will only require two hundred of your filthy hoo-man dollars.”

Dan Seitz

Dan Seitz is an obsessive nerd living in New England. He lives in the Boston area with a fiancee, a dog, a cat, and far too many objects with processors.