LAS VEGAS (GR) – The Downtown Project, a Las Vegas-based urban revitalization firm headed by Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh, announced on Tuesday that it is expanding its transportation initiative, Project 100. Prior to the announcement, the project – billed as a full transportation service for its members – had included only machines: 100 each of bicycles, shuttle stops, electric vehicles, and Tesla Model S cars. Each type of vehicle represented a fleet for shared usage in the city’s downtown by future subscribers to Project 100. Now the transportation options will include human beings, “rescue sex workers,” as well.

“When people come to Las Vegas,” said Hsieh, “they like to be able to ride human beings, and they deserve to be able to do so for a fair cost. Until now, much of the human-riding has occurred behind closed doors. Now, our members will be able to ride human beings – beautiful women, specifically – in the open air. We call them sweatshaws, because it’s like a rickshaw, but with a much more palpable, earthier connection to the operator’s sweat. We think it’s going to be a lot of fun.”

Las Vegas has a reputation as a playground of the wealthy. It’s a place where anyone in America can go to live large and where misdeeds are never inexcusable, as evidenced by the city’s new slogan revealed in February, “Get Your Gomorrah On.” Many of those who initially expressed some interest in the transportation initiative were disappointed that Project 100 was misusing a valuable opportunity to celebrate lust and greed by riding human beings in public. Some of the critics of the “machines only” inception of Project 100 were high profile.

“I like cars a lot, but I also think it is wrong to completely entrust our transportation needs to machines,” explained Tonight Show host and Las Vegas standup comedian Jay Leno. “Whenever I am in Las Vegas, I always hire illegal immigrants or hookers to carry me around on their backs. It’s my way of making sure that our entire economy won’t be completely overtaken by robots in the next 50 years.”

Leno’s comments about Project 100 and his usage of human beings to avoid having to walk anywhere when he’s in Vegas were a regular topic for the last couple months on his popular YouTube series, F&%@ Everything: The Real Jay Leno. Both because there has been no public outcry in response to Leno’s comments and because he could be a celebrity advocate for the service, The Downtown Project decided to give in to his demands and add a “stable” of sweatshaws to its fleets.

Project 100, along with a spectrum of shared vehicles, will include 100 shared attractive women, ready and willing to give piggyback rides at a moment’s notice. The addition of the women represents not just an incorporation of human beings into the transportation service but also an incorporation of recycling, according to the official Downtown Project press release. The vehicles and bicycles used for Project 100 are new. The women, on the other hand, are rescues from local brothels, where some of them were held for years against their will.

“We believe that using rescue sex workers for our service is a statement that anyone should be able to get a piggyback ride whenever they want, and that humanity is stronger than circumstance,” explained Hsieh. “Many of these girls are illegal immigrants and have never had the opportunity in our country to live the American dream. What we want to show them is that there is nothing like running around in the sun, rain, and snow, helping businesspeople and vacationers get where they need to be.”

Though the jobs provided to the 100 women will be unpaid, Project 100 will pay for them to attend college while they’re working for the organization. The piggyback positions are unpaid college internships. Once a woman who is giving rides for Project 100 gets her degree, she will be entered in a drawing to win a management position. The drawing will be sponsored by Red Bull, with the tagline, “Project 100 gives you wings to win a sweepstakes for career advancement.”

The women in the program will be required to wear uniforms consisting of white fox fur and mismatched running shoes selected from featured footwear on the Zappos.com site. The piggyback “vehicles” will be required to run at all times. If one of the sweatshaws is ever seen walking, jogging, or “sauntering” while giving a client a piggyback ride, she will be given a warning. A second warning means dismissal.

“What these women really need in their lives is structure, not sauntering,” says Hsieh. “Project 100’s sweatshaw fleet is not just an opportunity to be rescued from the shame of the world’s oldest profession (though, regarding oldness, note that all our sweatshaws will have young, lithe, and nimble bodies), but a chance to see how personal discipline can set you free. We also give them water bottles and the pride that only comes with owning a pair of mismatched shoes. We foresee mismatching becoming a hot trend, because you have to purchase two pairs of shoes for the outfit – it looks irresponsible and wasteful, and both of those traits are incredibly sexy.”

Project 100 is not the only service that Hsieh has in the works. He is also, with Virgin founder Richard Branson, developing plans for an “outside-the-box, self-sufficient alien colony” on Mars. Project Intergalactic Space Camp 100, with 100 aliens from each of more than a dozen galaxies, is set to launch in the spring of 2017.










Kent Roberts

 
Kent Roberts is a writer and father. He has contributed to numerous publications, including The Onion (regularly) and Laugh Lines (The NY Times). His website is http://www.TGIKent.com. He lives in St. Petersburg, Florida.