Rise of the Planet of the Apes opens today in theaters and from what the trailers feature, this prelude to the original movies from back in the ’60s looks pretty intense. While the older movies can still scare the sh*t out of people, this newer one is even scarier given somewhere out there, a scientist could be doing the EXACT same thing to some poor monkey right now, making the movie become a reality… While it may never happen, it doesn’t hurt to be safe. Here are some crazy ass gadgets/heavy duty weapons that will definitely come in handy if things did turn out to the way the movie depicts and we all are chased and hunted down by our primate cousins!


While personal tasers and stun guns might work on humans, it might not do the trick on a 300-pound gorilla, which means you’ll need something a bit more heavy duty with a bit more gusto. This is where the TASER Shockwave system that features Taster Remote Area Denial System (TRAD) technology will come in handy. Currently only available for military or law enforcement use, the TASER Shockwave is a fully modular system, allowing complete flexibility to achieve your desired objective, meaning you can stack it horizontally, vertically, mount it on trucks, on your house, etc. With the ability to “de-escalate/defuse violent crowd/riot situations,” it looks as if I’ll be able to take down some charging primates.


Created by David Brown—a cameraman, editor and producer who has filmed acts like Rage Against the Machine, Snoop Dogg and more—the BodyGuard is the ultimate protection sleeve that might work well against smaller primates that might try to mess with you. It’s equipped with a high-voltage stunner, video camera (to record and place on YouTube later), laser pointer and flashlight. (via Popsci)


You’re obviously going to need some type of transportation and it better be able to handle anything you can throw at it because you’re going to have to haul ass to get away from those crazy monkeys…and the GT Wildcat 500DKR would be your best bet! Billed as a “full-blown rally raid machine,” this mean off-roader will be able to hand lots of punishment and more.


While you may think a knife might not be such a good weapon when apes start attacking, but the WASP Knife might have you thinking otherwise. It’s a “weapon that injects a ball of compressed gas into its victim that then expands to the size of a basketball, instantly freezing and exploding their internal organs.” It’s designed to help hunters bring down large wild animals quickly…so, yeah, it just might be a good thing to have, right?


Of course a gun is going to be needed, so why not the two-headed monster that is the DoubleGlock Machine Pistol. It combines two fully automatic Glock 18 pistols, connects their tops so that both guns are pointed sideways, and finishes off with a scope for a good shot. (via The Firearm Blog)

Kristie Bertucci

Kristie Bertucci is an L.A.-based writer, who can't live without her MacBook Pro. When she's not writing, she's either reading or shopping (online, of course) and loves lazy days so she can catch up on her DVR-recorded shows and movies. She's definitely a Mac girl, she loves music and is currently on a mission to to have an insane and enviable iTunes library.